1.18 – How to impersonate a woman (in five easy lessons)

Previously, on Crowd of Clouds: in a bid to finish off his disguise and look like a real woman, Cloud goes in search of a wig. The owner of the gym, Big Bro, has the hairpiece they require. But will there be hell ‘toupee’? Cloud readies for a fight…

Um… what?

…crazy?

I honestly have no idea what you guys are talking about now.

Nope, not a clue. I always thought “big bro” was a reference to an older male relative with the same parents as yourself. This is either a very strange family reunion or a remarkably garbled translation.

Big Bro finally gets down to business, pairing Cloud up with some random tough guy who also wants Big Bro’s beautiful wig. Look, mate, you can have ours when we’ve rescued Cloud. This isn’t a lifestyle choice.

I do recommend the practice session first, to get the hang of the sequence, but it’s really easy on a PC keyboard. You press three buttons in sequence. Get the order wrong, and Cloud gets bewildered. I’ve never tried this on Playstation but I can’t see it being much harder.

Naturally, we beat the other guy easily. He seems to lose track of how to squat quite often, while we just got into a rhythm. Down, swing, up. Down, swing, up. Easy!

Big Bro furnishes us with a Blonde Wig. There are other wigs on offer if you lose or draw, but the Don seems to have a thing for blondes.

This victory is followed by some unintelligible dialogue about Big Bro promising the other fellow his wig and our loser throwing a tantrum. Big Bro then throws him across the gym. Or something like that. I tried taking screenshots for it all but they really don’t help explain what’s going on any better.

Cloud moves on. With dress and wig ready, we could go now – but if we want the Don to choose us, we need a few more accessories. This is, normally, the Materia Store. He doesn’t have any in stock at the moment, though.

But he does have a problem. Oh dear.

Oh dear, oh dear. Look, just go to the doctor and ask for some ointment.

…okay, I’m intrigued. We’ve not been to the inn yet, but we’ll have to take a trip.

Whyever not? Is it selling novelty inflatable sheep or something? Believe me, the girls I’ve met have seen it all before.

Here’s an idea. How about you dress up as a girl and take a look yourself? Because that’s a completely insane plan that could never possibly work! And yet, here we are…

Cloud feels a bit peckish. To be fair, we haven’t seen him eat anything in the entire game so far. And we do like free stuff.

A warm welcome awaits.

I think you can order anything here, but the guy outside was pitching today’s special, so let’s play it safe.

Oh, one of those places. Don’t expect great things. And 70 gil is a bit steep!

Cloud reserves judgement on the food. You might still get a coupon for your honesty, but I’d rather not risk it.

It’s their last coupon, too. That was lucky. But I note poor Flower Cloud has gone without. Ah well. She’s probably better off.

Cloud heads for the pharmacy.

Clearly the pharmacist wasn’t expecting any customers. They sell a bunch of ordinary stuff, like Potions, that we don’t really need right now.

Aha! I’d like an Elixir, please.

“Sorry, no. The only free stuff begins with D.” I have no idea what the other items do (if anything) but I remember someone who needs something for her digestive health…

Speaking of which, Cloud returns to the bar and the woman in the bathroom.

Yay! We get something in exchange! I was kinda hoping we might.

Aha. So now we can smell like a real woman as well as looking like one. The Don will be begging for Cloud at this rate.

Right, let’s head for the inn.

Sure, we’ll spend the night. After all, it’s not like we’re in a hurry to rescue someone, right?

In the middle of the night, Cloud finds a vending machine. What does it sell? We have no idea. But there are three items to choose from. Naturally, we should choose the most expensive item. Good thing we’ve been saving up our pennies. I think our next accessory will vary in quality based on what we pay here.

Money paid, Cloud takes his item and returns to bed.

Next morning, no doubt while Cloud #3 is being slowly tortured to death, Clouds #1 and #4 return to the store.

Cloud announces his success.

Cloud turns away while the boys talk shop. Good girl.

…that’s it?

Hurrah! We’ve solved another NPC’s pathetic problem!

Ooh, a tiara. Mafia dons love a bit of bling on their girls.

There’s just one thing missing. One more thing Cloud needs to complete his transformation. But where to go? Cloud talks to a random passer-by. Hey, weren’t you the one who told us about the Honey Bee Inn?

Looks like he’s decided to give up temptation and let us take a look. Thanks, mate.

A membership card suddenly endears Cloud to the management.

And everyone else, as they literally start crawling at his feet. Cloud, however, is less keen.

And less convinced. Hey, it’s fine. You stay out here and, um, enjoy yourself. Meanwhile, Cloud girds his loins (um…) and prepares to face the horrors of the Honey Bee Inn…